I killed myself - But I'm still here

I have my Borderline ups and downs. Especially in the Xmas time I feel lonely and miss to have a family that is loving and caring. And the one I’m from is not like that. So I don’t see them anymore. I have chosen a live without them…

Xmas time 2012 I killed myself the 17.dec, with a huge pill overdose, by the same anti depressive and calming medicin that was supposed to help me. But I ended up in the hospital where they "saved me"/brought me back to life. 

My mistake was that I wasn’t alone when I did it. I thought I just would fall asleep and die peacefully, but my body had a strong reaction to the medicine, so I got an epileptic attack even though I’m not epileptic, as a side eftect from the medicin. So the witnessing person in the room called the ambulance since it dident look like normal sleeping ( that's what i sad before i passed out, I'm Tired I will take a nap).

I woke up about 3 or 4 days after I had taken the pills, and the last thing I remember is falling asleep and it felt like minutes ago. But it wasn't. I have been dead and brought back to life. The scary part is that I didn’t see the light, god or any angel…

I was just gone… I was nowhere. No memory of those days. Nothing at all.

So many years I have been dreaming and glorifying death. The last peaceful moment, when I finally can be free. See the light. Forgive and get forgiven. Live some kind of beautiful afterlife as an angel with no pain. But nothing of that happened! The last thing i renember before closing my eyes, was that i was very could.

So the afterlife does not exist, there was nothing, it’s just a cold dark feeling of not being there. It is over! Your thoughts, your breath, your mind, it just stops it all. 

I thought it was a joke that I had been dead and brought back, and didn’t remember several days of my life? I haven’t even been breathing by myself  these days. 
They said it was a miracle I woke up again so sudden and with so little damage to my body. But it didn’t feel like a miracle.

The doctor’s psychiatrics and nurses, they said they were happy to have me back. But they haven’t met me before, they didn’t know me, how could they be happy for getting something back they never had? They just tried to give me hope, make me feel better so I wouldn’t do it again. 
But all I felt when I woke up was disappointment and failure.

I even failed to kill myself…

There was a Gard at all-time till I got “out” of the hospital. They didn’t want to let me out in the real world right away, so they put me in a mental hospital, and that’s where I spend my Xmas, with really mantel ill people. Not just people that where tired of life like me. Some where crazy as fuck! One woman had several personalities, a man didn’t talk and just screamed at night. And the staff toke my shoelaces and talked to me like I was a child or one of those crazy people.
And maybe I was. Maybe I am..

But the sad part is, that siting there dinnig with about 20 very mentally ill pepole, was more peacefull then the last xmas's i renember form when i still lived at home as a child.

It was overall surreal, sad and even more lonely then outside.

This year I was afraid I would try again. But I tried to be very aware of my sad feelings and tried to keep myself active so I wouldn’t fall in my regular winter depression.

But I know the main thing that kept me a life, was that I had to take care of my cat and to birds. Especially my cat is very close to my heart. Some moments when she’s there in my bed when I’m crying and feel alone, I feel like someone’s there for me, even though if its "just" a cat. And I’m so thankful for that. But even though some days she likes to cuddle and be with me. She is a cat, and an independent litlle soul.
And even she couldn’t cheap me a life last Xmas.  So since I survived this one, it most have been a bit of me wanting to be here in this world full of pain? I know that sometimes I’ve been lucky, that she has been there the moments that I needed someone the most, but what if someday she’s not? She’s out or something?

So after thinking about getting a dog for a long time, I got myself a dog the 30. of December. So now I have a reason more to get up in the morning, and feel a bit less lonely. And I don’t regret it at all, even though a dog is a big commitment. A dog is not like a cat, you can give a cat food and it can take care of its self for a whole day if you are in bed feeling sorry for yourself. But a dog you have to walk and is less independent, it needs you. I must admit I was afraid that I wouldn’t have the energy to take care of a dog when I was down.

But the days I am down and feel nobody needs me, and I’m in my bed, Chika is there next to me all day long. And when she has to pee she needs me to go out with her. And days I usually wouldn’t go outside my door, I now go out to walk my dog. And even though I’m tired, sad and my eyes are all read and swollen cause of crying. When she looks at me whining, I feel like she needs me, even thong it’s just to pee, she needs me, and it brings a litlle smile on my face. So I get up and get out, even if its just for a 5 minute walk oroud the block, i do it thanks to her.

So I’m still here..

Now with my little family of 4. 
Pip, Nymfi, Chika and Prinsesse

With Chika in my lap, the sound of my birds yelling at prinsesse on top of the big cage, I am finished this blog entrance.

Thank you for reading this very personal memory of mine.