did I finaly get my goodby?

Back in year 2003 when I was only 13, I lost my grandmother. She was the only one in my life that truly cared. She was like a mother to me, when my biological mother wasn't there for me. When she died, I felt like I had lost all my family and all my love, cause that's what she was.

She was back home in Poland when she passed away, and I was here in Denmark. When I heart she was in a hospital, I wanted to take back, and be there for her, but my biological mother didn't feel the same. I still haven't forgiven her for it today. I lost all I had that cold January.

I still can't believe that I lost her.

I still can't believe and accept that I didn't get to say goodbye.

I still feel the pain.

And I heart that her last wish was to see me, and her last words where that she loved me. Tiers are running down of my checks as I write this. She was all I had, and I have lost it. I know they say that with time the pain will go away, but maybe I don't want it to go away, cause it is all that I have left.

I don't cry over it anymore. But today I am crying. I don't believe in the after live, or any of that kind. But I have to admit, that for all these years, I have been hoping and waiting for her to come to me and say goodbye.

Today I had a dream that felt so real. She came to me and said goodbye. Was it just a dream or is it my goodbye?

I wish I knew and that it was my goodbye, so my heart could in some way make peace with it.

But another part of me doesn’t want it to be true, that she came to me, cause would that mean that her beautiful soul has been stock between live and the after live just because I needed closer for 7 years? And why wait so long?

And even though she was calm and happy in my dream about leaving this world, she told/showed me that the story about her falling peacefully asleep because it was her time not true? She showed me some letter she had tried to writhe at home before the hospital, that she had pain in her legs and arms, and she had called and tried to get help but didn’t get it in time. I have been told she didn’t want to get help and that she wanted to stay at home as long as possible. But that’s opposite of me dreams version!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5