My look has changed

First of all, the blogs name has now officially changed from What’s On A Blond Mind to Emo on Paper.

This is a big difference, and my appearance has changed with the name.

A typical symptom of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is to have identity issues, I have suffered a lot under that through my childhood, but overall i always have been a bit alternative in the norms eyes. Liked black/read hear, light skin, pricings and tattoos and so on. And I have all that. But when I startet the blog here, I was a pleaser and just hungered for acceptance and had a boyfriend at the time I was madly into, that liked "normal" girls. So that’s is all i tryed to be NORMAL.

But i have grown and accepted who I am and what I like, and who is the Jude of what is normal? And is normal really that great? So after we broke up (I don’t judge him, I could have had been lass a pleaser) I started to be me again, cause when your inner you doesn’t fit with the outer you, you are very unhappy. You attract the wrong people and people misjudge who you are. And that sucks! But the fact is that people (myself as well) Jude by appearance, some more than others.

But what I have learned from all this, is that I should be me no matter what, and I will never again try to be something or someone I’m not, just to please society a boyfriend or whatever!

But a scare after all this is that when people judge me or something I wear or like, I can now get a bit too defensive. But I am working on that ^^

Behind the blog - wanna be 2011     Behind the blog - wanna me (2013)

Peace out peeps  :) and remember to stay true to yourself! 

"Blog Reopening"

I stopped blogging cause too much happened in my life, a little too fast for my little twisted head.

Unfortunately not for the better, and I didn’t want to get all (poor me campaigneish).

But I have grown, and I am now seriously considering to "reopening" my blog.

But I am considering to change it a bit.

Frist of all, the name What’s On A Blondes Mind will probably change to Being in A Borderline’s Mind or Emo on Paper.

This time I'm not going to stop blogging when I don’t only have shinny happy things to talk about, but dig in and share. 

As self-therapy and for those out there, that have BPD (borderline personality disorder), to let you know: You are not alone. And for those who are still trying to understand life with BPD.

I want to break the taboo! I want to say I have borderline and be okay with the statement! And I want other BPDs to feel the same.

We are not a sick unintelligent bunch of people! My own philosophical conclusion is actually that we are over stimulated with thoughts, feelings and intelligence. That is why we are hurten. The cleverest minds of time like Einstein, Darwin and Andy Warhol where not in their life’s acknowledged or understood, because others around them didn’t know better. I don’t want to first be acknowledged when I’m dead! Just becouse others don’t understand me, and neither should you!

So :) as you can see it’s a change if u have visited my blog before, and if you are a newcomer. Welcome! Feel at home take a cop of coffee and enjoy! My life is from now on an open book, feel free to read it, comment or follow :)

http://amandagreenauthor.co.uk/300-famous-people-celebrities-who-have-suffered-with-mental-illness-or-issues-help-highlight-the-stigma-in-our-society/

Dino Jelusic - Can't stand this any longer(acoustic) live on Z1

Nattie wants to be a YouTube star

I can’t forget the dream

I dream all the time, like almost every day and remember very well what I dream, but dreams are dreams. I never take them too seriously.

But the dream about my grandmother I had not tonight, but the day before, is still so clear like I just woke up. And that’s not normal, at least not for me. And normally if I think about a dream, it is the last dream, and never to deep. And it is no longer the last dream, couse I had a dream tonight, but I’m still thinking about the one before that.

I’m so confused. Should I just stop thinking about it or try to read the meaning of the dream?

I have been thinking about what could make it "true". For example she died in January, so it’s this month. And the 7 years of waiting I have trouble understanding. Well 7 plays a big part of this whole thing. She was born in July, the 7^th month. She died the 27^th, her log before dead husband died the 17^th. And if I remember right her lucky number was 7, and so is mine.

Somebody that is good at reading dreams?

Does it all sound stupid?

did I finaly get my goodby?

Back in year 2003 when I was only 13, I lost my grandmother. She was the only one in my life that truly cared. She was like a mother to me, when my biological mother wasn't there for me. When she died, I felt like I had lost all my family and all my love, cause that's what she was.

She was back home in Poland when she passed away, and I was here in Denmark. When I heart she was in a hospital, I wanted to take back, and be there for her, but my biological mother didn't feel the same. I still haven't forgiven her for it today. I lost all I had that cold January.

I still can't believe that I lost her.

I still can't believe and accept that I didn't get to say goodbye.

I still feel the pain.

And I heart that her last wish was to see me, and her last words where that she loved me. Tiers are running down of my checks as I write this. She was all I had, and I have lost it. I know they say that with time the pain will go away, but maybe I don't want it to go away, cause it is all that I have left.

I don't cry over it anymore. But today I am crying. I don't believe in the after live, or any of that kind. But I have to admit, that for all these years, I have been hoping and waiting for her to come to me and say goodbye.

Today I had a dream that felt so real. She came to me and said goodbye. Was it just a dream or is it my goodbye?

I wish I knew and that it was my goodbye, so my heart could in some way make peace with it.

But another part of me doesn’t want it to be true, that she came to me, cause would that mean that her beautiful soul has been stock between live and the after live just because I needed closer for 7 years? And why wait so long?

And even though she was calm and happy in my dream about leaving this world, she told/showed me that the story about her falling peacefully asleep because it was her time not true? She showed me some letter she had tried to writhe at home before the hospital, that she had pain in her legs and arms, and she had called and tried to get help but didn’t get it in time. I have been told she didn’t want to get help and that she wanted to stay at home as long as possible. But that’s opposite of me dreams version!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

The Big Bang Theory - Sheldon The Germaphobe

The IRL blog spot!

This is my IRL blog spot...

This is my little spot in the apartment where I usury blog from.

My (or my boyfriends and my apartment) is nice clean and stylish.

The kitchen is with, the bathroom is with, and in the living room we only have black white and a little bit red. I love it this way.  It is easy to clean and suites both a man and a little woman as I am *smiling*

But I need my little girly spot J So, this is it. It is pink and has lovely warm memories of my life on the wall. I just love it! <3

Out :)

PS. It was my friend (June’s) Idea that I should blog about it.

Happy new year!

Hey!

I hope that you have had a happy new year! And that the year has started well for you, and that 2011 will be a good year with a lot of good stuff coming your way.

Hugs from The polish princess in Denmark! :D 

Happiness (a poem by Natalia 10.12.2010)

Up in the sky I see the birds screaming and crying.

It’s a place I can’t reach, 

I just look up and see them flying.

They call my name, I am sure.

Unknowing of the evil, they are so white  and pure.

They look free and happy, 

they are everything that I wish to be.

I want to leave, 

I want to join them, 

but I’m stuck here just lying.

I’m lying on the ground on a grassless spot, 

The sun is shining, but I am cold.

Al alone in this please, 

I feel like I don’t have enough space.

My heart beats slowly, it is crying.

 I’m so tired, I think I’m dying.

 But I’m still here,

on the cold ground lying.

Borat speaks polish!

I have heard a lot of theories about what language Borat speaks in the movie “Borat”

And I have to tell you the truth! The real truth! 
Borat Speaks polish! :)

The words he uses like:

Yaksamash  (Jak sie masz) = How are you

Jinqui (Dziękuje) = Thanks – like in thank you

Chishey = (Ciszej) = Quiet – like in be quiet

And I know that for sure since I am a polak ;)

Hugs form NATALIA ^-^

PS. When Borat is fighting with Azamat, that is not polish, and probably not any other language either :P

Big Girls Draw too :)

Here are some drawings i have made these last days...

Bill Kaulitz on the catwalk!

Bill Kaulitz the singer from Tokio Hotel becoming a model to???? :)

25 Things I Hate About Facebook

A clever blonde once said:

If you want the rainbow, 
you gotta put up with the rain. 

By Dolly Parton.

Girl Gadget!

We see all these different gadgets everywhere all the time, but most gadgets are more interesting for boys, but girls! Today I found the coolest girl gadget thingy ever! :D I am seriously considering to buy a Barbie again :D Do you wanna know why? Click here and find out: http://www.barbie.com/videogirl/

Summer Hair!

❀ Hey Guys :) 

I Hate to have my hair done the same way every day, but i don’t want to be in the front of the mirror all day long. And in the summer time, it’s nice to show off your hair, but not having it all over your face and throat cause that can get pretty hot, especially if you have thick hair :S 

So... Here are my easy and quick summer hair solutions. 

The last picture could have been  better, i did it realy fast, just to show you gys, and you can always make it prettyer with some cute hair buckles :)


 ˙·٠•●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙ 

EMINEM Not Afraid Parody (Funny)

Im sorry Eminem.. but this is a funny Parody. ^-^

Moody :(

It's been a sad day, Im such a softy sometimes );

What do you think? Do you like Pink?

Hey guys! :)

I recently got this new nail polish.

It’s called Baby Pink 140 from a new series by Maybelline called Forever Strong Pro.

They say it can last for up to 7 days, that I don’t know if it’s true yet, since this is day 2, with it on my nails, but it looks perfect! Even though I have been cleaning and washing the dishes (See on the picture).

I like this color I have never had one like that. But what I like the most about this polish is that you get the same color on your nails as the polish in the bottle appears to look like, which you don’t get with all nail polish you buy. It’s always lighter ore you have to apply it for like 3-4 times, to get the result you want. But not this one!  And it dry’s pretty fast!...  AND it’s not too expensive! I LOVE IT! :)