I have my Borderline ups and downs. Especially
in the Xmas time I feel lonely and miss to have a family that is loving and
caring. And the one I’m from is not like that. So I don’t see them anymore. I
have chosen a live without them…
Xmas time 2012 I killed myself the 17.dec, with
a huge pill overdose, by the same anti depressive and calming medicin that was
supposed to help me. But I ended up in the hospital where they "saved me"/brought me back to life.
My
mistake was that I wasn’t alone when I did it. I thought I just would fall asleep
and die peacefully, but my body had a strong reaction to the medicine, so I got
an epileptic attack even though I’m not epileptic, as a side eftect from the medicin. So the witnessing person in
the room called the ambulance since it dident look like normal sleeping ( that's what i sad before i passed out, I'm Tired I will take a nap).
I woke up about 3 or 4 days after I had taken
the pills, and the last thing I remember is falling asleep and it felt like minutes
ago. But it wasn't. I have been dead and brought back to life. The scary part is
that I didn’t see the light, god or any angel…
I was just gone… I was nowhere. No memory of
those days. Nothing at all.
So many years I have been dreaming and glorifying
death. The last peaceful moment, when I finally can be free. See the light. Forgive
and get forgiven. Live some kind of beautiful afterlife as an angel with no
pain. But nothing of that happened! The last thing i renember before closing my eyes, was that i was very could.
So the afterlife does not exist, there was
nothing, it’s just a cold dark feeling of not being there. It is over! Your thoughts, your breath, your mind, it just stops it all.
I thought it was a joke that I had been dead and brought back, and didn’t remember several days of my life? I haven’t even been breathing by myself these days.
They said it was a miracle I woke up again so sudden and with
so little damage to my body. But it didn’t feel like a miracle.
The doctor’s psychiatrics and nurses, they said
they were happy to have me back. But they haven’t met me before, they didn’t
know me, how could they be happy for getting something back they never had? They
just tried to give me hope, make me feel better so I wouldn’t do it again.
But
all I felt when I woke up was disappointment and failure.
I even failed to kill myself…
There was a Gard at all-time till I got “out”
of the hospital. They didn’t want to let me out in the real world right away,
so they put me in a mental hospital, and that’s where I spend my Xmas, with really
mantel ill people. Not just people that where tired of life like me. Some where
crazy as fuck! One woman had several personalities, a man didn’t talk and just
screamed at night. And the staff toke my shoelaces and talked to me like I was a child or one of those crazy people.
And maybe I was. Maybe I am..
But the sad part is, that siting there dinnig with about 20 very mentally ill pepole, was more peacefull then the last xmas's i renember form when i still lived at home as a child.
It was overall surreal, sad and even more lonely then outside.
This year I was afraid I would try again. But I
tried to be very aware of my sad feelings and tried to keep myself active so I
wouldn’t fall in my regular winter depression.
But I know the main thing that kept me a life,
was that I had to take care of my cat and to birds. Especially my cat is very close
to my heart. Some moments when she’s there in my bed when I’m crying and feel alone,
I feel like someone’s there for me, even though if its "just" a cat.
And I’m so thankful for that. But even though some days she likes to cuddle and
be with me. She is a cat, and an independent litlle soul.
And even she couldn’t cheap me a life last Xmas. So since I survived this one, it most have
been a bit of me wanting to be here in this world full of pain? I know that
sometimes I’ve been lucky, that she has been there the moments that I needed someone
the most, but what if someday she’s not? She’s out or something?
So after thinking about getting a dog for a
long time, I got myself a dog the 30. of December. So now I have a reason more to
get up in the morning, and feel a bit less lonely. And I don’t regret it at all,
even though a dog is a big commitment. A dog is not like a cat, you can give a
cat food and it can take care of its self for a whole day if you are in bed feeling
sorry for yourself. But a dog you have to walk and is less independent, it needs
you. I must admit I was afraid that I wouldn’t have the energy to take care of
a dog when I was down.
But the days I am down and feel nobody needs
me, and I’m in my bed, Chika is there next to me all day long. And when she has
to pee she needs me to go out with her. And days I usually wouldn’t go outside
my door, I now go out to walk my dog. And even though I’m tired, sad and my
eyes are all read and swollen cause of crying. When she looks at me whining, I feel
like she needs me, even thong it’s just to pee, she needs me, and it brings a litlle smile on my face. So I get up and get out, even if its just for a 5 minute walk oroud the block, i do it thanks to her.
So I’m still here..
Now with my little family
of 4.
Pip, Nymfi, Chika and Prinsesse
With Chika in my lap, the sound of my birds
yelling at prinsesse on top of the big cage, I am finished this blog entrance.
Thank you for reading this very personal memory
of mine.
